Porsche 12/23/01
As some of you may know, the XMEN are part of the On-line Kidnappers League which was founded and is run by RedSirus. The existing OKL forum is about to go bye-bye to be replaced by something new.
I am starting this thread to save the story of my kidnapping and escape since I believe it to be one of the funnier stories that I have read/written. This thread will be a concatenation of several threads by several different authors.
First, the kidapping
Author: Atheist
Date: 1/12/00
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Oh Porschie-Poo...
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With sudden inspiration, Atheist whispers his diabolical plan in the leather-bound ears of CyClone..
CyClone's eyes light up and just as he's about to speak, Atheist sternly tells him "No, you can't whip him!"
CyClone pouts, and goes to don his scuba leather armor (with rubber over-coat to protect the leather) and takes a dive into the ocean.
Upon arriving at the horrible depth of 1km blow the surface (where any normal man would die, but due to the leather armor, CyC survivs), he knocks on the windows...
Porsche, minding his own business, walks through the corridor on his way to his seafood house where trouts, and lobsters were waiting for his consumption. Amidst his thoughts, he hears some tapping above him. He looks up and mutters "Is that man MAD!" CyClone pulls out a sign that reads "Open the window, it's cold out here!"
Porsche, slightly unsure of what to do, looks over to the master window switch. Then he notices one of his expendable men. "You there..", he squints, "um.. Tom, go and um.. open that window and let that man in"
"Aw crap..." he muttered, "I should have watched that movie in my room instead of the theater."
Porsche steps out of the room and closes the airtight airlock door and enters the dinning hall. He hears a big *SPLASH* and then he hears a tapping on the wall. He heads over to the airlock and opens the door letting a drenched Whip-Action Leather-CyClone into the room.
"You're getting water all over my 15th century Lady of the Trout Carpet"
"So sue me..." and with that he slugs Porsche in the face with a miniature model of the Aston Martin. "I knew those Porsches were weenies!"
He quietly drags Porsche into the airlock and puts an airmask on him.
------- Minutes Later ------
They arrive to the CreamPeace appart... err.. Headquarters and lock him in the shower. CyClone looks down on the toilet to see Spectre chained to it.
CyClone's face turns to puzzlement..
"I had to go to the washroom again... so they got fed-up" replies Spec upon seeing CyClone's face.
"Whatever..." and CyClone closes the sound-proof door and pours himself a glass of chocolate orange juice.
-Atheist
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Next, The Ransom
Author: Atheist
Date: 1/14/00
RANSOM!
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CreamPeace demands that you quit your aquatic exploits and pay a ransom of 1000 peices of chocolate.
Otherwise, we'll tape one of Atheist's sweaty gym socks to Porsche's nose and stuff a stale bran muffin into his mouth!
MUAAHAHAH!
Signed,
CreamPeace
-Atheist
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Next, The XMEN Spring Into Action
Author: RudeJelly
Date: 1/13/00
Re: Oh Porschie-Poo...
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And I quote 'Atheist sternly tells him "No, you can't whip him!" '
Well why the Heck not?
YES! YES! Whip him good! He throws nasty slimey fish at us all the time...
*Iceman whispers in RudeJelly's ear*
What? You mean that's how the game is played? You mean we're supposed to want him back?!?
*Iceman whispers in RudeJelly's ear again*
*RudeJelly looks at Iceman*
*RudeJelly looks at Iceman again with a pained expression*
*Iceman gives RudeJelly the move-along hand signal*
*RudeJelly -- in a voice like that of a 1st grader reading*
Okay...
Oh...Oh... You..have..taken..Porsche... We..won't..rest..until..we..have..him..back...
*1st grader reading voice off*
So how's that, Iceman? Better?
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Next, Porsche's First Response
Author: Porsche
Date: 1/13/00
Re: Oh Porschie-Poo...
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ROFLMAO!!!
Ummmm.... okay, now what? Can I plan my own escape, or do I have to rely on those two nimrods that I call team mates to get me back? If I gotta rely on them, then I might as well make myself REAL comfortable in the shower here.
BRRRRR! Why did the water just get so cold in here?
/me looks out the shower door to see Spec turning on the hot water in the bathtub and the sink.
"STOP THAT!" I yell. "You're taking up all the hot water!"
Spec replies, "I wanna get a whole bunch of steam up so I can make pornographic caricatures of Athiest and CyClone on the mirror! Shut up!" He tosses me a razor and says, "here, shave your legs!"
Obviously, Spec went to the Primal school of etiquette.
/me turns around and sits down in the cold, cold shower to plan my escape, or to await my rescue by my *cough* *cough* team *cough* mates.
While our hapless hero ponders his future, his *friends* set about trying to find/buy 1000 pieces of chocolate for the ransom.
Iceman and RudeJelly check their pockets.
"I've got $1.25," says RudeJelly.
"I've got a VISA with a $5.00 limit," replies Ice. "I think I'm near the limit on this one because of all that Koogles I bought you." (for those of you who don't know/remember, Koogles was that grotesque combination of peanut butter and jelly that was sold in the same jar a long time ago - back to our story.....)
"Well, we should be able to get at least a few pieces of chocolate. I'm hungry."
Iceman slaps RudeJelly upside the head with a trout and says, "idiot - the chocolate is for Porsche's ransom. I've smelled one of Atheist's sweat socks before, and I've eaten his bran muffins. Porsche would never make it."
RudeJelly has a thought (a miracle unto itself), "Wait a minute! They didn't say what KIND of chocolate, now did they? We should be able to cover this with a couple of big bags of M&M's!"
Iceman thinks it over and says, "You know something? You're right! That just might work! What a great idea (wow - 2 miracles in one day)!"
Sooo, our clueless rescuers head to the local grocery store and spend the last of their money, and all the credit left on Icemans VISA on a three 2 Lb. bags of plain M&M's.
On the way to deliver the ransom to those CreamPeace thugs, Iceman hears a rustling coming from the back. He pulls over and turns around to see what's going on. He sees 2 empty bags of M&M's lying on the floor, and RudeJelly with chocolate all around his lips and his cheeks all puffed out as if his mouth is full.
"Hey! What happened to the M&M's!"
"Mmmmphhyemkodpa phdnhhhhg hoidhs," says RudeJelly.
"Darn you Jelly! That was the ransom for Porsche! How could you do that?!?"
"Mmphyhdjhghu!"
"Spit them out! Spit them out! We can paint the ones that you haven't eaten yet and they'll never know the difference. I only hope that there'll be enough left to appease those CreamPeace jerks. I wonder if they'll take payments, you know, kinda like layaway?"
Will CreamPeace accept Iceman's proposal? Will RudeJelly spit out the un-eaten M&M's? Will Iceman shove a porpoise up RudeJelly's right nostril for being such a doofus? Will Spec ever stop making caricatures and hogging all the hot water? Will Porsche make it out of this alive? Will Atheist and CyClone ever stop staring at each others butt?
Stay tuned.....
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Next, Iceman Gets Involved
Author: Iceman
Date: 1/16/00
Re: Oh Porschie-Poo...
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Meanwhile back at Ziggy's Trout and Seabass farm RudeJelly and Iceman ponder the fate of Porsche.
They made the offer of 1000 M&M's to the Creampeace. (repainted after Rude's attempt to consume them in a fit of hunger)
Iceman: "Rude, do you think that they will give him back to us?"
Rude: "Do we have too?"
Iceman: "Well someone has to do the salmon egg harvest this year!, he knows how to squeeze them salmon just right!"
Rude: "Durn it!" "We probably did not have to pay the ransom anyway...Since he did not shower for 5 days before they kidnapped him he is probably getting a little stanky about now!"
Announcer:
Will our heroes get their stolen Porsche back?
Will the Creampeace decide to throw him out with the trash?
What will happen to the salmon egg harvest?
Stay tuned!
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Finally, Porsche's Escape
Author: Porsche
Date: 1/17/00
Porsche's escape
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After several days and no apparent attempts to pay his ransom or rescue him, we find our hero, Porsche, gagging in the CreamPeace bathroom. Atheist has been lacing Spectre's chocolate flavored orange juice with Ex-Lax. The results have been horrendous. The exhaust fan is broken, the window has been painted shut, and the commode has plugged up 3 times.
Porsche cannot take it any longer. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Unbeknownst to his CreamPeace captors, Porsche has a secret trout storage compartment in his armor. Hitting the secret trout button he grabs a large one, holds it behind his back, then calls for Atheist.
"Yo, Atheist, get in here. This place stinks!"
"Shut up. You think this is bad, wait until you get a whiff of my sweat socks if your comrades don't pay up!"
"Well, can you at least come over here and check out this faulty drain in the shower?"
Atheist leans over to inspect the drain....... *WHAM*!! Porsche nails Atheist on the back of the head with the trout. Atheist crumples to the floor. Porsche points a trout at Spec and says, "get off the commode! Use the bathtub from now on!" Spec obediently squats in the bathtub and goes back to reading the 1977 issue of PlayGirl. Porsche ties Atheist feet and hands together, dunks his head in the toilet, and closes the lid (after inserting a straw in Atheist mouth so he can breath). Finally, Porsche wraps some twine around the toilet bowl and lid to make sure that Atheist doesn't get out anytime soon. He's tempted to flush the toilet (after all, Mr. Ex-Lax Spec has been on the throne for quite some time), but says, "Nah.... He brought this on himself."
Porsche opens the door to the bathroom and peeks around the corner. He sees Dante, CyClone, Temujin, and Fox all playing a really sick game of spin the bottle amongst themselves.
*Sound of Temujin spinning the vodka bottle...... points at CyClone*
Temujin grins at CyClone and says, "C'mere baaaaaby and let me plant a BIG one on you!"
CyClone passes out, at which point Temujin bends over and........
Porsche can't stand to see anymore. He heads back down the hallway to one of the offices. He opens a window and slowly lowers a rope that he had fashioned out of a box of tampons that he had found under the toilet in the bathroom (I don't EVEN wanna know which of those guys uses these things). Porsche slowly lowers himself to the street and does a quick look-around. Quickly, he spies a grocery truck sitting at a stop light. With lightening speed, he runs to the back of the truck, opens the trailer door, and hops inside. As the truck makes it's way out of the city and into the suburbs, Porsche takes the opportunity at a stop sign to hop out. Moving through the shadows Porsche comes across a set of railroad tracks. He sees his opportunity when the coast-to-coast express comes whipping by. Making a breathtakingly daring leap, he lands himself inside of one of the boxcars.
After gorging himself on the boxes and boxes of Double Stuff Oreo's that were in the boxcar, Porsche lays back for a rest. A full day's work and the soft clickety-clack of the train quickly lulls our hero into a deep sleep. The flatulating cows in the cattle car next to his boxcar startle Porsche out of his slumber.... "Spec? Is that you?" Realizing that he is now safely hundreds of miles away from the CreamPeace apart... headquarters, Porsche slowly drifts back to sleep. The train stops the next morning in Nova Scotia. This is most convenient due to the fact that the land based, super secret entrance to the XMEN Submarine Base is located only a few kilometers from here. Ducking through alleys, backyards, through bushes, and under trees Porsche finally makes it to the secret entrance. The superfast turbolift has our hero back in the XMEN headquarters in 30 seconds flat. Porsche takes a nice, long shower and changes his armor.
Settling into his chair in the command center, he punches up the video screens showing Ziggy's Trout and Seabass farm to see if the rest of the XMEN are there. He thinks to himself, "why does RudeJelly have half a porpoise sticking out of his nose?" He turns up the audio to listen in on the conversation that Iceman and RudeJelly are having....
Iceman: "CreamPeace is never gonna accept those M&M's as ransom for Porsche after you had them in your mouth. I can't believe you were such a doofus."
RudeJelly: "I was hungry and Porsche is a dweeb. So sue me. Personally, I don't care if we ever get him back. As soon as we get back to the base, I'm gonna steal his leather covered command chair with the built in beer cooler."
Iceman: "C'mon... you don't really mean that. Sure, he's slapped you around a few times with trout, but you've usually deserved it. Besides, look at all the times he's hauled your ashes out of the fire. Remember that time that you got that jelly spoon stuck to your hair? Who got it out? Porsche. Remember that time that you got your tongue stuck in the car window? Who got it out? Porsche. Of course, he was the one that rolled up the window on you in the first place, but he rolled it back down really, really fast. Finally, remember who introduced you to your first true love, Bertha Frothingslosh? Well.... that was me, so forget that one. My point is, you'd be in a heap of trouble if it weren't for our Porsche."
RudeJelly: "You're right, but he's still a dweeb. Okay..... if we sell off a few seabass and Charlie the Tuna, we'll be able to scrape up enough dough to buy some more chocolate. I'll try not to eat it this time."
Porsche is taken quite aback by the initial traitorous comments by RudeJelly and is suddenly aware of why he was locked up with CreamPeace for so long. RudeJelly ate the ransom. Porsche settles back and starts planning a way to even the score.... both against CreamPeace AND RudeJelly.
We'll be back later. Same Trout-Time. Same Trout-Channel......
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Post Kidnapping Comments
Author: Atheist
Date: 1/17/00
Re: Porsche's escape
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LOL.. Okay, I deserved that one.
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During their twisted game of spin the bottle, Tem notices that Atheist has been gone for too long.
So the four of them quickly rush to the washroom to see the horrors. Spectre, still defecating quietly to himself, was sitting in the bath tub oblivious to the probability that Porsche might have left the door unlocked. Then they noticed Atheist...
"I'm not kissing him..."
"Shut up CyC... at least Porsche gave him a straw. C'mon let's haul him out and toss him into the clean bathroom."
Hours later, Atheist is fully conscious and smells ZEST-fully clean.
"Damn, there go our chocolats... Hmm.. funny how Porsche had to escape by himself. I wonder if they were EVER going to pay up. I mean, that ransom response was complete nonsense. Well, I suppose we're just going to have to kidnap the other XMEN instead. Let Porschie-Poo have his fun."
The others nodded in agreement. Then they looked over at Spectre who did his best to stay conscious amid the foul smell.
-Atheist
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Author: Temujin
Date: 1/17/00
Re: Porsche's escape
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I DIDN'T deserve that.
Thats not what happened.........what really happened is that we were too busy staring at War Angel as she flew over....I'm serious.........quit laughing at me!......... NOW!
Thanks for taking the time to read. I hope you've enjoyed this as much as we did.
