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10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

I know some people like that... lol unfortunately im so protective of my lil twin sisters and get on their nerves when im lookin out for them

I think my dad *wrote* this.

Nah, he let me touch you - hold hands. Does sound very much like him, though.

I'll probably sound very much like this in a few years meself. Lemme warm up my staple gun...

I tell you what.
While my Dad was dating my Mom his car really did havea blow out. He returned her safe and sound like two hours late. Had some friends call over to her house to let parents know. My grandfather was getting into his truck with two friends and a shotgun when my grandma pulled him out. Even so when my Dad dropped Mom off Grandpa B. was outside standing there with his double barrel shotgun in both hands looking menacing for a 5' 3" guy.

Haha awesome

Hehe. Well at least we know tire blowouts do have validity.

That's my staple gun, sweetie. Unless you want to trade me the shotgun?

I remember talking to a friend one year when he brought up some of the strange things he did on dates. One of which was to stage something believable once in a while as his excuse for bringing the Doughter back late, and I mean late.
1: his radiator hose was leaking and he had to walk several miles to buy duct tape and some water (the hose would be wrapped in duct take if the decieded to look)
2: he would get a flat tire from road debree and stated that he had to walk many miles to get some stuff to repair it (he would spray some temporary paint onto the tire to make it look different and have a couple of stripes of duct tape on it)
3: if it was raining he would claim that his windshield wippers wouldn't work (he would pull the fuse out of the fuse box and replace it with a blown fuse and making sure no spares can be found)

I never worried about that, I just brought the girl home late.... Most of the girls I dated in HS all had windows and suck on the first floor thAT WERE cleverly left unlocked and could easily be opened from the outside. 3-4Am daes were not uncommon. I was luc ky, and I had a door in the back of the house that was far away from my parent's bedroom, and I had those hinges hung and oiled SO nice... they never made any noise when you opened the door, and it closed so easy, you could hardly hear the click of the latch into the frame... Ahh those were the days.

Heh, sounds like my basement sliding door SH... doesn't make any sound, and even if it did my parents are up on the second floor on the opposite side of the house... Not that I sneak out or anything...

Hat, you've been drinking and posting again, haven't you?

lol

I admit, the thought had crossed my mind also. :p

No, I was sober when I posted that. I've been using my laptop to get Email, etc. and I don't type so well on this crappy keyboard, and I don't proofread what I write nearly as much as I should. I kinda miss those days, and a lot of the late night dates were when I was dating my ex-wife. We had some good times, and I miss the simplicity of those times more and more as I get older. I mean really, is was great only really having to worry about your curfew, and not much else...