Dallas Driving Rules

[XMEN Iceman]

For all of you who may be wanting to visit or move to Dallas, there are a few driving rules that must be observed: First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL--US, not DAL-IS. Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If you are in Denton or Collin County and your Mapsco is one day old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules..."Hold on and pray". There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that. All directions start with, "Get on Beltline or Get on Loop 12" ...which has no beginning and no end. The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday at lunch. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth." If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. PERIOD. Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road... all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman. Or Turtle Creek, which turns into Preston Road which turns into Highway 289. It also ends in Sherman. If asking directions in Irving, Garland or East Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. Don't get on the Dallas North Tollway unless your car is capable of doing 90mph. While on the tollway, don't even THINK about stopping in the Tolltag lane at the toll plaza. In fact, don't even slow down. You will get run over. You WILL get stuck in traffic. This is simply a fact of life. For this reason, don't leave the house without a full tank of gas, a change of clothes, a day's supply of food and water, and an inflatable raft. You might want to bring something to read; the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica is recommended. While you are stuck in traffic, use caution when opening your doors. Opening your driver's door to empty your ashtray could land a motorcyclist in your front seat. It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. You can also drive north or south on I35 East and West. Highway 121 North runs East and West. And even though all other odd-numbered highways in the nation go north and south, highway 183 runs east and west; the opposite is true for highway 360. Don't let this confuse you. LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap." If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, and it is Spring, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round. If it is Fall, the Texas State Fair is going on. So don't be alarmed if you have to switch your car's climate control from heat to A/C and back to heat all within 4 hours. If you go to the Fair, pay the $5.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his 'yard', run over him. All amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas. With these simple rules in mind, you are now ready to drive in Dallas. Quit whining. Try to keep up.