Desecration//Due Process Comments Thread

[Spinning Hat]

I have some catching up to do.. Wow. I don't know if you have all of these parts in one file, but I pasted everything into one to make it a little easier for me to read while on the go.. 245 pages so far, and I still don't have all the stuff posted in the other forum post that you wrote before you started posting these as docs on your Drive.

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

One word:

Awesome!

[Ambush Bug]

All righty, folks, it's done. I'll come back in a day or so and start answering questions.

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

Wow.

After finishing this... I think I developed more of a connection with Dath than the other characters. Her story is so sad, and... brutal at the same time.

Here's a question: Does Bug's sense of morality concerning the life of an innocent (the unborn queen who was removed from existence), stem from an innate / built-in part of Bug? Or is it something that had developed over time by Bug's contact with humans?

Also, I can foresee a BioDerm or Imperial scientist seeking a way to try to input the ability to control others into DNA. Some kind of pheromone-based technique? Fortunately, for Bug, knowledge of the various pheromones and what they can do were likely lost when Bug killed the new queen.

[Ambush Bug]

Bug's morality mostly stems from his time with humans, the DTM in particular. There's a big hunk of resentment that comes from his exile status, and his "wry observer" skills come from the long years observing human targets as an assassin.

Pheromone-based control: Hexabolic started me on this with the BioDerm vatsats. It's not direct control, but influences the human emotions heavily. With Bug's people, pheromones are direct control except in some cases, and that was the enabling mechanic for the story.

Bug has Chat-Ka nuked to hell and back because there are BioDerm records somewhere leading right to it, and it's got a couple hundred Steel corpses on it. Not all of them were close enough to get melted by the initial Tsar Bomba he had dropped on the complex--a handful died on the march in. Spec comments on this in the ending.

By the way, check the story thread, there are now compiled versions for download, with and without commentary. 305 comments, though a handful are in-jokes.

And yeah, the commentary finally gives away Underwood's origin. She's my Author Avatar, except done up on a crazily meta-reference level. Frankly, if I had the whole project to do over again, all the way from Due Process, I'd weave that thread more tightly into the story, retaining her lack of influence but making her status incredibly obvious by the end.

[Ambush Bug]

Oh yes, Dath, forgot to address her. I may have blabbered on FB at some point about how I couldn't decide if she'd been lying to him or not during their initial chat. That's still a little murky in places, though I eventually chose to write the story such that she is telling the truth for the most part and all of the inconsistencies are her errors or lies-by-omission.

Had I to do it all over again... I'd certainly make her dialogue less clunky. Hell, I'd make everything before Homeworld Homecoming way less clunky. (Excuse me while I take the word "was" out back and shoot it dead.)

But I think I'd not touch Dath very much aside from her dialogue. I like that she made a mistake, made more than one, though I wish I could have showed them happening instead of having her think about them afterward. That's part of the trouble with writing a serial novel over the span of a decade and having new ideas as time progresses. I ended up changing stuff and having to jam it in.

I'd certainly streamline some of her interludes. I'd make more of an effort to show her watching Bug and Hammersteel, slowly learning friendship by example, because a lack of friendship or even proper diplomatic relations is what ends up killing the species. I'd make more of an effort to show that in particular, especially the ironic bit about how they're all telepaths and can't get along.

And the villains...

If there's one thing, ONE THING I've learned from writing Desecration, it's this. You have to plan your villains out first. Villains have to be the most interesting character in the story, and they have to have good motivations. I had good motivations for Render-of-Hearts, though I didn't express them as well as I could. I had only so-so motivations for Kik, and perhaps expressed them too much. (You should have see the original draft of the final mind-battle with her, I kept playing the race card with her like it was made out of lead and could crack tables in half)

To do it over again, I'd certainly spend way more time on the villains, show them more often, re-jigger the plot so they actually do things every once in a while instead of near the end. That's another reason the pacing was so poor in places, because I didn't have an active driver of the plot--Bug was essentially an archaeologist up to the point he went to Chat-Ka.

That's another reason the pacing was so great once everyone hit Chat-Ka.

Oh yes, the With Commentary version of Desecration points out most of the movie references.

[Ambush Bug]

And of course, I'm looking for commentary and feedback. I know the story didn't turn out like what was normally expected.

As I re-read it now, I'm gripped by a curious sensation--not being under pressure to WRITE, I see various flaws for what they are now. Story!Bug isn't nearly so wryly humorous as I thought him to be. (There's only a good two or three moments where he gets in a good shot) He's way more serious than I perceived him to be.

Story!Red, on the other hand, gets some truly great lines. (C'mon, the "mail order" bit was damn hilarious, folks.) On further inspection, Forty-Two gets WAY more humorous lines than Bug does. "She will continue to do so unless you turn around now, Prince," being one of his better ones.

All of this is not to say that I haven't planned out what happens to the characters as time goes on. For those interested, the mix of Queen + Warrior in Bug gives him quite a long life; about 600 years past what Desecration shows.

You would be correct in imagining that Kik's final question ("Wait. Wait! Who will remember you?!") utterly HAUNTS him over the centuries. To be fair, that's a great Armor-Piercing Question to throw, but her timing sucks.

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

So... you thinking of continuing Bug's story from here? Or picking up with a different part of Bug's life?

I've got to say, that even though you self-identified some faults, I still like your writing style.

[Ambush Bug]

I don't know that I'd write another story with Bug as the protagonist. Cameo or supporting role, maybe. He can be a little one-dimensional in places.

I am glad you like the writing style, as sharpening my writing was one of the major goals of the work.