Firetruce Comments

Spinning Hat · Post by **Spinning Hat** » Wed May 01, 2002 11:30 pm

Post here to let me know what you think. Right now, the only thing I wish was for the language filter to be disabled in here. this IS afterall, a fiction forum, and sometimes, Shazbot and Doh just don't quite convey the emotions the author wants the characters to express. <map name="SHMAP"><area href="http://xmenclan.org" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="169, 72, 193, 143"><area href="http://dragontalonmercs.com" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="0, 78, 25, 141"><area href="http://pub1.ezboard.com/uspinninghat.sh ... anguage=EN" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="22, 3, 172, 30"></map><img border="0" src="http://www.xmenclan.org/sh3d2.gif" usemap="#SHMAP" width="194" height="144"> Why Do I always Die?!?!

Ambush Bug · Post by **Ambush Bug** » Thu May 02, 2002 9:54 am

Actually, that's why I went with the more overwrought form of cursing in the stories I'm working with...gets by the filters and leads to some rather creative results. "Blast and Damnation!" is one of my favorites so far. <img src=http://www.ezboard.com/intl/aenglish/im ... /smile.gif ALT=":)"> Good stuff, Hat, looks like some good combat is gonna be coming up, neh? <img src=http://scribers.midwestmail.com/ambushbug/BugSig.jpg align=LEFT> Member: DTM, XMEN Professional Tank Driver Card-carrying Base-Cracker Ugly Son-Of-A-Gun Bug's Tank Bumper Sticker: "If you can read this, you're already street pizza."

Spinning Hat · Post by **Spinning Hat** » Thu May 02, 2002 10:23 am

Yeah, lots of combat will ensue. We see a little foreshadowing in the beginning, and it will develop more too. <map name="SHMAP"><area href="http://xmenclan.org" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="169, 72, 193, 143"><area href="http://dragontalonmercs.com" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="0, 78, 25, 141"><area href="http://pub1.ezboard.com/uspinninghat.sh ... anguage=EN" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="22, 3, 172, 30"></map><img border="0" src="http://www.xmenclan.org/sh3d2.gif" usemap="#SHMAP" width="194" height="144"> Why Do I always Die?!?!

Jester DTM · Post by **Jester DTM** » Thu May 02, 2002 1:26 pm

cool, story, hope Jester gets an MA. <table border="2" bordercolor="#420042" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="center"><head><link REL=STYLESHEET HREF="http://www.thzclan.com/jester/jessig.css" TYPE="text/css"></head><tr><td><a href="http://www.thzclan.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.thzclan.com/jester/THZjester1a.jpg" width="240" height="240" border="0"></a></td><td><a href="http://www.thzclan.com/cam" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.thzclan.com/jester/cam/ccam.jpg" width="320" height="240" border="0"></a></td></tr><tr><td colspan="2" align="center" bgcolor="#000000" id="jessig"><a href="mailto:jester@thzclan.com">THZ*Jester[DTM]</a> Cerberus of <a href="http://www.thzclan.com" target="_blank">The Hounds of Zeus</a> Professional Hitman for <a href="http://www.xmenclan.org" target="_blank">The XMEN</a> Evil App Admin for the <a href="http://www.dragontalonmercs.com" target="_blank">Dragon Talon Mercenaries</a> <a href="http://12.229.123.86:8000/listen.pls">Battle Ground Radio</a></td></tr></table>

Spinning Hat · Post by **Spinning Hat** » Thu May 09, 2002 10:33 pm

Ok. Part 2 is up. I may be editing and adding things to it, so well, we'll see. <img src=http://www.ezboard.com/intl/aenglish/im ... /happy.gif ALT=":D"> <map name="SHMAP"><area href="http://xmenclan.org" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="169, 72, 193, 143"><area href="http://dragontalonmercs.com" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="0, 78, 25, 141"><area href="http://pub1.ezboard.com/uspinninghat.sh ... anguage=EN" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="22, 3, 172, 30"></map><img border="0" src="http://www.xmenclan.org/sh3d2.gif" usemap="#SHMAP" width="194" height="144"> Why Do I always Die?!?!

Ambush Bug · Post by **Ambush Bug** » Thu May 09, 2002 10:56 pm

*/me screws in editing antennae. Sirus screams and runs for cover, able to feel their influence even as far away as Montreal.* Hat, you commented at the bottom of your second part that you felt it needed some work. The thing that came immediately to mind when I read it was the lack of dialogue after the -- break-mark. I would suggest throwing in some dialoge and breaking up some of your descriptions. Throw in a little embellishment and see what happens, too. What about a few sprinkles of internal monologue for the guys doing all the attacking? Not enough to give away the plot, but enough to give the reader an idea of their motivation for doing what they are doing?  */me unscrews editing antennae. Sirus comes out of his bomb-shelter* I  really like the premise, though. Tribal terrorists? Some of the guys over at Tribes Roleplayers were asking about that very subject, so what you're writing certainly is something folks are curious about. Brrrr. Nanite weapons make me shiver. <img src=http://www.ezboard.com/intl/aenglish/im ... /smile.gif ALT=":)"> <img src=http://scribers.midwestmail.com/ambushbug/BugSig.jpg align=LEFT> Member: DTM, XMEN Professional Tank Driver Card-carrying Base-Cracker Ugly Son-Of-A-Gun Bug's Tank Bumper Sticker: "If you can read this, you're already street pizza."

Spinning Hat · Post by **Spinning Hat** » Thu May 09, 2002 11:01 pm

Will do. Thx. <img src=http://www.ezboard.com/intl/aenglish/im ... /happy.gif ALT=":D"> Tribal terrorists are something I've always wanted to see. So I figure, hey- I can do that. <img src=http://www.ezboard.com/intl/aenglish/im ... /happy.gif ALT=":D"> <map name="SHMAP"><area href="http://xmenclan.org" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="169, 72, 193, 143"><area href="http://dragontalonmercs.com" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="0, 78, 25, 141"><area href="http://pub1.ezboard.com/uspinninghat.sh ... anguage=EN" target="_blank" shape="rect" coords="22, 3, 172, 30"></map><img border="0" src="http://www.xmenclan.org/sh3d2.gif" usemap="#SHMAP" width="194" height="144"> Why Do I always Die?!?!

XMEN Ashaman DTM · Post by **XMEN Ashaman DTM** » Thu May 09, 2002 11:12 pm

I have to say that it's actually better than you think, SH. I can picture one of the flames melting into the shadows, moving as silently as their jets would allow. The others seem swift, brutal, and efficient. I think you could be thinking that it lacks something, but only because the passage seems kind of short. Though I would not know what to expand on just a bit. You did say what needed to be said. I don't think I'm the best one to critique. <img src=http://www.ezboard.com/intl/aenglish/im ... /smile.gif ALT=":)"> <img src=http://www.xmenclan.org/avatars/ashaman2.jpg width=150 align=left> <left><a href=http://www.dragontalonmercs.com>Dragon Talon Mercenary</a> <a href=http://www.xmenclan.org>Member of the XMEN</a> Have a Nice Day! "Politics, war, martial arts; these are tools to bend the universe to your will."</left>

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